Bride's Wrath
by strawnilla
Summary: Spade thinks he should really learn how to stop picking a fight with Joker. But then again, where's the fun in that?
who are the biggest dumbs? THEY ARE THE BIGGEST DUMBS (POINTS AT SPAJO) JUST KISS AND GET MARRIED ALREADY

* * *

"Dark Eye, is it starting yet?"

"Yes, Spade-sama. The ultra super celebrity is about to show himself."

The long haired man makes his way towards the sofa, where Dark Eye sat on the single sofa, her sight on the TV. Spade sits too, a glass of water in his hands. He had heard about the 500kg solid gold wedding bell, and he was so tempted to send an advance notice last night… but he had a deadline for a chapter of his new book today that he managed to get done just a few minutes ago.

Priorities.

As the camera pans over the excited brides-to-be, he hums in approval at the wedding dresses they chose to wear. Fine tastes indeed. Oh, did he catch a designer dress just now?

When Kaneari appears and introduces himself as the ultra super celebrity, Spade spits his drinks out. He's already laughing to himself, shaking as he grips on his sides, hands slapping the armrest. Dark Eye seems dreadfully disappointed, yet she tries her best to calm him by patting his back.

The brides-to-be on TV seem just as shocked and almost immediately they dwindled in numbers, leaving the stadium faster than the eyes could see with multiple excuses behind their backs. They're lucky they can withdraw from this silly Grand Prix then, or else it could have been a disaster.

"Oh gosh, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time…" Spade says, recollecting himself with a sigh.

"Please be careful, Spade-sama…" Dark Eye advises worriedly, handing him a handkerchief to wipe his mouth with. He takes it gratefully, but the remnants of his laughing fit from earlier are still there. She excuses herself to the kitchen to prepare for teatime and he turns his eyes to the TV again.

From the looks of it, there are only around… four of them left. Amazing. That's Mr. Kaneari for you.

As the camera zooms in on the handful of brides left one by one, he thought nothing much of the first two. Dark haired, average, don't really stand out much. But when he sees pretty long blonde hair tied into twin tails, he recognizes Diamond Queen immediately.

She must be after the wedding bell. Poor Kaneari, now he's only left with three women as candidates for his bride. Queen looks amazing in that dress though, he has to say. And she seems to be talking animatedly with the fourth participant of the Grand Prix…

The camera focuses on said fourth contestant as DJ Peacock explains the basic rules of the tournament. Spade finds his eyes unblinking as he takes in the sight.

He drops his glass of water, shattering it on the floor.

"J-J-J-JOKER?!"

"SPADE-SAMA, IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?!"

* * *

Spade stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Oh God, he's still bright red.

The long haired man lets out a whine. He hangs his head, the heat still burning the back of his neck. He splashes more water onto his face, practically wetting the front of his shirt in the process, and he regrets that decision almost immediately. Now he's going to need to change his clothes. Damn it.

What was that all about, anyway?

To react like that, just because he saw Joker in a… a… a _dress_ … honestly, what's wrong with him?

Spade can't get his mind out of it as he opens his bedroom closet and pulls on a new shirt. He and Joker wear costumes all the time anyway. What difference does one wedding dress make? None, absolutely none, nada, zero.

Surely, he must have just been surprised at how good Joker looks in—he's just going to stop that train of thought right there.

The long haired man closes the door behind him, and makes his way back to the living room, where Dark Eye is watching in amusement as the Grand Prix continues on. Spade's eyes land on the TV and he squints.

"A fifth bride…?"

"Ah, yes, Spade-sama. She came when the trials started. Her name's Commander Satsuko."

When the said fifth bride-to-be steps out of the swimming pool, crushing and smashing the tiles with sheer strength, Spade can't help himself from a laugh. "Pft—!" he covers his mouth quickly, though. Poor Kaneari…!

As the competition goes on, Spade finds it increasingly and frustratingly harder to focus on anyone else in the fray but Joker. It's not helping his situation when the two seemingly more normal contestants drops out, leaving only Commander Satsuko, Queen, and… Joker.

Well, no matter the outcome, it seems like Kaneari's getting Commander Satsuko as his wife. Fitting, she'd do a great job of accidentally crushing him in bed.

Despite Joker's mishaps and despite watching his usual antics of idiocy on live TV this time, Spade can't help the blossom of warmth forming in his chest. The worst part is that the warmth even spreads out onto his cheeks, each time the cameraman closes in on Joker, and Spade gets a clearer view of Joker in—again, stopping right there.

"I'm getting water." Spade says when the judges just finished tasted Joker's 'cooking'. Absentmindedly walking to the kitchen, he goes straight to the sink and collects just a small amount of water in his joint palms to wash his face with.

God damn it, he needs to calm down.

He wishes he could go back into his workspace and say he wants to work on the next chapter of his novel already, but his creative flow feels… stumped, as of right now. (And it's not because of Joker in a wedding dress, it is not.)

Fresh glass of water in hand, he walks back into the living room just as they announce 'Miss J' as the winner. A sardonic smile makes it onto Spade's face before he even sits down. "And I hope they live happily ever after." He comments, raising a hand and shaking his head.

He watches as Joker walk up the raised stage, not showing even a hint of excitement for winning the Bride Grand Prix. _At least put on a show_ , Spade thought to himself bitterly. _Show the world how happy you are getting married._

He doesn't realize he has a white-knuckle grip on his glass.

When Kaneari tries to go in for a kiss and Joker screams _'Pervert!'_ in the most scandalized voice ever whilst throwing Hachi from under his skirt into Kaneari's face, Spade goes… blank, for a moment.

His eyes are wide still as he watches chaos unfold onscreen, but then a second later, he's laughing his ass off.

"AHAHAHAHA! THAT! THAT JOKER! THREW HACHI! IN KANEARI'S FACE!"

"S-SPADE-SAMA, PLEASE, YOU'LL GET A FEVER AGAIN—!"

* * *

"Congratulations on winning the Grand Prix, Joker!" Spade calls out from his zeppelin with a giant grin on his face, donned entirely in his phantom thief outfit. "You have the makings of a great bride!"

The team of phantom thieves who had just left the stadium and are now floating in the middle of the sky with a 500kg solid gold wedding bell in tow can only gape at him.

"SPADE?! You… YOU WERE WATCHING?!" Joker yelled, his face twisting into something made up of… Hm. Embarrassment and rage? Is that it?

"Right from the beginning!" Spade laughs. "So, do you guys need a lift or what?"

After Hachi, Roko, and Queen manage to persuade Joker into it, they land safely in Spade's zeppelin, along with the 500kg solid gold wedding bell, which Joker continuously insists belongs to him, even to the point of clinging to it, _'in case Spade gets any ideas…!'_

Spade rolls his eyes. He crosses his arms and sighs. "I'm not interested in your stupid wedding bell, Joker. Go get married under it with Mr. Kaneari for all I care."

"Good, because th—what did you just say?"

Ooh, did that strike a nerve?

Spade's smile turns charming. "Hm? Didn't I say it before? You'd make a really great wife, Joker, since you did amazing in the grand prix just now!"

"Heh, you're just jealous that I'd be a better wife than you'd be!" Joker retaliates, looking awfully smug and proud of himself. "Oh, or maybe you're just jealous that I look better in a wedding dress compared to you!"

 _You do._

 _Fuck._

Spade is forever grateful that Joker is out of that costume now (even if the image of big round pearls and gold trimmed wedding veil is burned into his memory) or else he'd never be able to have a proper conversation with him, if one can call this a conversation in the first place.

And whilst they are yelling and shouting at each other, the others are calmly eating snacks and drinking tea served by Dark Eye on the dining table.

They seem like they're trying very hard to ignore the two of them.

"Says the virgin who ran away from a kiss." Spade starts. "Tell me, Joker, if Mr. Kaneari had _really_ kissed you that time, would it have been your first kiss? Oh, what am I saying, of course it would!" he laughs at his own joke, pleased in himself as he sees Joker turning bright red and agitated from the assumption.

Oh. That's new.

He likes it.

"Uwaah, he's blushing!" Spade continues. "Aww, you really do have a maiden heart, Joker… That's so sweet! I bet you're saving that first kiss for someone really special, huh?"

Spade doesn't even process what's going on until it's too late.

He's falling forward—no, he's being pulled forward, and Joker's pretty blue eyes look so intense and vivid, and Spade feels his heart skip a beat.

Then, their lips meet.

He forgets to breathe entirely, feels his heart not beating at all, and there's a stirring of warmth deep in the pit of his stomach that makes him feel like he's going to explode at any moment. Joker's eyes are closed now, his face flushed an even brighter red than before, but before Spade can do anything or even move a muscle, he's already pushed away by the very man who kissed him in the first place.

Joker doesn't even say anything. He simply stands there, looking at Spade with the same intensity as he had earlier. If Joker is trying to glare and scare off Spade, it's not working, because Joker's face is still a gaudy red like his suit.

Spade touches his lips. He's sure his own face is bright red right now. "J-Joker…?"

"And just for the record," Joker says, pointing a finger at the long haired man. "I totally wasn't saving that kiss for you or anything!"


End file.
